Healing

“You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes; you heal because of what you do with that time.” –Carol Crandall

Moments Full of You

I've read so many stories about babies dying and stillbirths and miscarriage, trying to understand and figure out this whole experience and what to do now. It helps and it doesn't. It's hard comparing my experience to those of others, because each is so so different. I've read about the signs people find of their children, visits from angels, and other such moments. I'd love to have something huge like that, but I don't expect it. However, I do have moments full of Sadie. I've learned that Heavenly Father truly does give us miracles and moments of mercy if we open our eyes, search for them, and accept them.

• The sky cleared and the sun came out as we had her little graveside service in the cemetery.

• A rainbow crossed the sky as I drove home from the Angel Gowns dress drop off.

• Ladybugs have randomly shown up, even in the middle of winter, reminding me of Sadie. I have never noticed so many ladybugs before in my life.

• A dream that still doesn't quite make sense and that would seem weird to anyone else brought me such a feeling of peace one night.

• Moments inside the temple, the holy House of the Lord, have been so very indicative of Sadie's presence and God's awareness of my missing her.

• Thoughtful gifts from family and friends have shown up at just the right times to help me to feel close to my daughter too.

The quote above is so very true. I will forever be looking and searching for my daughter, even if only in the moments God gives me that remind me of her.

What If

With a stillborn child there are few memories to look back on, and none with a smiling, living child. Instead, "what if"s come up every day. What might have been is the trigger instead of remembering moments. How old would she be now? What would her smile look like? When would she start to crawl? What would her cry sound like? What if I had been able to know all these things? I wish I did.

There is a song by Pink called "Beam Me Up" that keeps running through my head. The chorus, especially. It goes like this:

"Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think a minute's enough,

Just beam me up."

Except, I don't think a minute would be enough, and I've thought up a list of what I would say if I could talk to Sadie for a while. I have a lot of questions. A lot of what ifs and whys. 

I thought I was okay without the answers, and I think I can be and I will be. Lately, though, I am not. I guess it's just another stage of this bizarre thing called grief. 

Sadie's Saying #2

This journey has already taught me so much. I am still walking though, and there is more to learn. I'm grateful that sorrow and pleasure seem to work hand in hand for me though. Pleasure gives me a break from the weight of sorrow.

Sadie's Sayings

I'll start with these.

I think this goes for any type of grief.


I never knew how true this is until Sadie died. My ocean is so unpredictable. I don't know when I will feel sad or even what triggers it half the time.


I still can't really do this. I know it, but I can't do it. And...any time I feel ready to almost reach out for help or admit I need it, I suddenly feel very strong and fine. It's true.




This one made me cry.

I have very few words when I try to describe my feelings. It feels awkward and exhausting to even try. So, the end.

Sunshine is sometimes hard to come by

I feel weird writing on this blog these days. My sunshine finder still works, but a light has gone out of me with the death of my daughter. There is nothing simple about spreading sunshine right now. I am happy, mostly, but I wouldn't call it being filled with sunshine. I see the rays of sun through the clouds, but, well, something seems off.

Nevertheless, this is where I can write. So I shall.

I have a secret Pinterest board where I like to put quotes and thoughts that help me through this time of missing my Sadie. I don't really know if anyone looks at this blog, so it seems like a somewhat safe place to put some of these secret pictures out there. I don't really want them to be secret, but I don't want to bother other people by thrusting my grief on them constantly. They know what happened, they probably know it's still hard for me, and I don't really feel like reminding constantly. Although, I think about it often. I'm not ashamed of my grief, but I still do want to bring sunshine to others' lives. I want to be happy myself. So I don't put it out there all the time. I hope that makes sense.