Trust In the Lord

Trust [the Lord], even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much. Have patience when you are asked to wait when you want immediate action. . . . The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others. You may not always know why He does what He does, but you can know that He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. [“Obtaining Help from the Lord,” Ensign, November 1991, p. 86; emphasis added]

Our Love Story--The Engagement

My Engagement Story

(Written January 4, 2011, the day after we got engaged.)

I don't start school again until next week, but Danny started this week. So, I went down to Provo to visit him. Traffic was pretty bad on the way there, so I didn’t get to Provo until about 4:45. Danny’s family was there and his two best friends were hanging out that night, so a lot of people greeted me at the door. His family was going to see the exhibits at the Museum of Art at BYU. Danny and I were going to go with them, but then his parents gave him twenty dollars to take me out to dinner.

I was picking up on clues and feeling awkward and nervous by the time we went to dinner. I was not enjoying myself at dinner and told Danny I felt nervous, like I was on a first date. I just couldn’t relax, and I couldn’t eat much either. We went to the Brick Oven, and I asked a lot of questions on the way there to try to figure things out. Like, why didn’t his family want us to go with them, and why didn’t we just go to subway for dinner with his family, and did he really like the Brick Oven that much? We had been there a little while ago, and I wondered why he wanted to go again. But. I knew why, or I guessed it. It’s right by the place where we had our first kiss, on the path that goes around Maser Hill.

So, anyway, at dinner I was feeling so uncomfortable. I told Danny this many times, and I kept asking him if he was going to propose that night. He said that "every day is a maybe." I just couldn’t figure out if he was going to do it or not. I was very suspicious, and this is when I realized that I hate surprises. I do not like being surprised. I feel like I am being tricked, especially when I can tell it’s coming. So. Dinner wasn’t great, until Danny started joking with me and talking about it with me. He didn’t really give anything away, but he talked about what clues he had given me and how he had been thinking the weekend would be a good time to do it…but I knew that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do it that night. Still, it helped.

Unfortunately, I was so nervous and Danny was thinking about the ring, so we left our leftover box of pizza sitting on our table with the 3 dollar tip. At least we got free rootbeer. . . we didn't even know that Brick Oven gives out free rootbeer on Monday nights.

Danny wanted to walk to the museum from the Brick Oven. I thought that was weird, because it was so cold outside. It would have made more sense to drive. But by now I already knew what was coming. I could tell he wanted to walk there so he would have time to propose, and I had suspicions that he wanted to go to the spot where we had our first kiss. I was a little disappointed when we passed that spot on the way there and didn’t stop. I just wanted to get it over with so I could enjoy the rest of the night. But we just kept on walking. Later he told me that he wanted to get it over with too, and he almost proposed on the way there, in the middle of campus. Instead, I tried unsuccessfully to throw snow in his face, but he's too quick for that.

His family was just leaving when we got to the museum. He said later that he was nervous they would give something away, and they kind of did. They seemed more friendly and I think I saw someone glance at my hand. I was watching for these clues, and they were adding up. Danny was nervous by now, and I was feeling less nervous for some reason…probably because I knew more of what was going to happen and didn’t feel as tricked anymore. So, I enjoyed looking at the art, and he seemed a little preoccupied. We didn’t stay long.

On the walk back across campus to his car he suggested going to see the place where we had our first kiss. Neither of us had been back to the spot since that day. Honestly, if I had been the one proposing this is what I would have planned. We walked down the snowy path to the bench where we had our first kiss on December 2, 2010. We realized later that we got engaged one year, one month, and one day after our first kiss(and my first kiss ever), in the exact same spot.

So, we got to the bench (which was a little different, because they redid the path last year and put in some new tables and benches along the way), and he hugged me. I could feel/hear his heart beating really hard and knew that he was nervous and was about to propose. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me forever. Then he got down on one knee and pulled the ring box out of his right coat pocket (I had seen him keep putting his hand in that pocket, so I guessed that’s where the ring was). He asked me if I would marry him, and I don’t even remember the exact wording or if he said my full name. I said, “uh huh.” Hahahaha I should have said Yes! But that was my first reaction. Then he said, “well, put it on!” Because he didn’t know he was supposed to put in on my finger for me. So I did.

It was the same ring I had sent him pictures of online. It is white gold with one .37 carat diamond in the center and 16 little diamonds on the side of the band. I love it. It feels really weird to have a ring on that finger. So, anyway, some people started coming on the path lower than our path, and I got a little nervous, so we walked a little ways on the path. Then I guess it hit me what had just happened and I kissed him. Then I asked if we could go back to the spot again. We did, and we talked about the ring and he asked me again if I would really marry him, and this time I said “yes.” Then I took off the ring so he could slide it onto my finger. He wanted to see the ring, because he hadn’t really had a chance yet to look at it closely.

So, finally we went back to the car. I didn’t want to tell anyone yet; I just wanted to keep it our secret for a little while longer and be happy together. We were going to go ice skating, but it ended up being later than we had thought, so we just went to get ice cream at Cold Stone. We shared a “love it” size bowl of cinnamon bun ice cream with pieces of Heath bar in it. It was pretty good, and it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch (that observation came from Danny. J). Then we went back to the car and I called my family. They were doing family home evening, so they put me on speaker phone so I could tell the story. Then we went to my grandparents’ house and told a lot of family there. We called and visited and texted many people that night to tell them the news. Sorry if we didn't get to tell you that night...we didn't really know how to spread the word.

I woke up my mom when I got home around midnight and she wanted to see my ring. Sadly, Dad has not even seen it yet. All my siblings except Chelsie were up still, so they saw my ring. Becca is sick, so she was on the rocking chair with a lot of blankets on her. I feel bad for her. Rachel had drawn up some sketches of wedding dress ideas for me (some weren’t very serious), so we laughed about that.

I regret not getting a picture of us TOGETHER that night. We were too excited to think of that. This was a few nights later. Danny is always falling asleep on me. It's okay.

An Angel Never Dies (Author Unknown)

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, 
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An angel never dies.

http://mylittlebabyjacob.blogspot.com/p/poems-and-words-of-comfort.html?m=1

An Ugly Pair of Shoes- by unknown author

An Ugly Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Finding Peace in Jesus Christ: My Talk for Sacrament Meeting

I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting in my Latter-Day Saint ward on June 12, 2016. This was the talk I gave:

My name is Carissa Davis. My husband Danny and I have been in the ward about 3 ½ years, and we have a 3 year old son. To help in preparing this talk I was given the General Conference talk A Pattern for Peace by Bishop W. Christopher Waddell from this past General Conference. As I read and pondered his words and my own life experiences I came to find that the ultimate source of peace in my life comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Bishop Waddell says, “In our journey through mortality, as glorious as our intended destination may be and as exhilarating as the journey may prove, we will all be subject to trials and sorrow along the way. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: “The dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.”1 “The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness.”

Emma Lou Thayne wrote the hymn "Where Can I Turn for Peace" in 1971. In researching her life I found that she had many trials that led her to seek her own peace in life. She said, “The words to the hymn came for me out of a troubled time for our family. We had one daughter ill, (I found out her daughter was actually mentally ill), I was facing a spinal fusion and interruption of teaching mid-quarter at the University of Utah. My husband was about to become bishop of a student ward, and 4 daughters were under the age of 17 with busy lives.” Emma Lou knew what it felt like to lack peace.

The first two verses of the song capture what I wish I convey to you today:

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

Text: Emma Lou Thayne, b. 1924. © 1973 IRI

Music: Joleen G. Meredith, b. 1935. © 1973 IRI

He , only one. If you walk away with nothing else from my talk today, I want you to know that I know that Jesus Christ is the one true source of peace in this world. He understands every heartache, every sorrow, and every hard time we have. He understands because of the Atonement. Alma 7:11-12 says “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” There is nothing that we can go through that our Savior has not felt Himself. This has always been comforting to me, but in the last year it has meant the most.

This past year has left me searching for peace as I never have before. In September 2015 we found out that our 27 week along pregnancy would be ending. Our daughter Sadie was stillborn soon after. We left the hospital without a baby. We buried her tiny body in the Bountiful cemetery. We picked out a headstone. We celebrated her due date a few months later by visiting her grave. I have cried many, many tears over the past year. I have been angry, hurt, felt grief like I didn’t know was possible, wondered why this had to happen, wondered what might have been, and felt incredibly sad.

When I felt the saddest, most broken, and most alone the thing that helped the most was knowing that Jesus Christ suffered the Atonement not only for my sins but also so that He would know how to succor and comfort and bring peace to ME. I have spent many nights in prayer holding onto this truth and seeking comfort and peace in it.

The hymn says “When other sources cease to make me whole…” This line from the hymn rings true to me. The world offers many sources of false peace: drugs and alcohol dull pain but don’t give lasting peace. Other sources are offered up that might help for a time. Support groups, hospital staff, books about stillbirth, and online resources were searched out extensively by me in my yearning for answers and peace. Sometimes these things helped, and sometimes they increased my anxiety and grief. It was exhausting to search through all these things! And when I felt like I couldn’t search any more, I would always kneel down and pray to my Heavenly Father in the name of His Son Jesus Christ and there I finally found the true peace I so desperately needed.

Because I know each individual and each trial is different, I would like to offer you four different ways to find peace in Jesus Christ. These come from the "Pattern for Peace" that Bishop Waddell offers and from my own experiences in searching for peace. All of them point directly back to Jesus Christ. I have found that 1) praying in the name of Jesus Christ, 2) attending the temple where all teaching points to Christ, 3) studying words of ancient and modern prophets who speak the words of Christ, and 4) asking for and receiving Priesthood blessings, which is the power of God, the same Priesthood that Christ gave to his apostles who then restored it to the earth through Joseph Smith, are the four main ways that I have found true and lasting peace.

The Bible dictionary says under the topic of Prayer that “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other.” It is hard to give up what we want for what He has planned sometimes. But Proverbs 3:5-6 says: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.” Whenever I  am able to give up what I want and accept His will in prayer, I find that nothing else matters and I again feel peace. I find that that peace helps me to trust in the Lord and let him direct my paths. I remember being newly married and trying to figure out where to spend the 4^th of July, with my family or with Danny’s. This silly decision seemed so important to each of us, and we ended up arguing.  The contention that came with stubbornly holding onto what I selfishly wanted made me feel sick inside. In our small apartment there wasn’t much room to be alone, so I ended up hiding in the closet and praying. As I prayed I started out by complaining, but I felt as I prayed that His will would not be for me to argue with Danny. I gradually let my heart change to align with His will. I realized I didn’t care so much about what we ended up doing, but I wanted peace and love to come back into our home and our relationship. I gave up my will for the will of the father and said I was sorry and that I only wanted to be friends again. Danny did the same and we somehow compromised so that we had a great holiday. When we give up our will through prayer to the Father we can find peace.

Another way to find peace that seems to always work for me is to attend the temple and ponder, pray, and meditate inside its walls. President Thomas S. Monson has taught: “The world can be a challenging and difficult place in which to live. … As you and I go to the holy houses of God, as we remember the covenants we make within, we will be more able to bear every trial and to overcome each temptation. In this sacred sanctuary we will find peace.”7 That’s a promise from a prophet. "In this sacred sanctuary (in the temple) we will find peace!"  I have attended the temple a few times since Sadie died. Each time I have found specific, personal revelation or answers that have brought me a tiny peak into God’s plan for her and for me and have also brought me tremendous peace. The temple is an incredible place. I often feel like Heavenly Father is just waiting for me to come to His house so that he can whisper the next little answer to my heart that will help me on the next step in my journey on earth. The temple is a sanctuary where we can escape the trials of this earth and find peace in Christ.

Studying the words of ancient prophets in the scriptures and words of modern prophets in General Conference talks can also bring great peace. In the introduction of the Book of Mormon it even says that the Book of Mormon “puts forth the doctrines of the gospel, outlines the plan of salvation, and tells men what they must do to gain peace in this life and eternal salvation in the life to come.”-Book of Mormon intro. Whenever I am making a big decision or searching for answers in life I search out these words and have found much guidance and peace in them. I have a whole list of favorite scriptures that have brought me peace at one point or another in my life. I can’t read them all to you, because it would take too much time, but I encourage each of you to make your own list of favorite, peace bringing scriptures or quotes from the prophets. Keep the list in your scriptures or in your phone so that when you are having a bad day or desperately need peace you can open one of these and read it to speak peace to your soul. If you memorize one or two you’ll be even better off, as you can recite it in your mind any time you need that extra measure of peace. Many of you probably already do this. The words of prophets can bring direction and peace because they speak the words of Christ.

(Not included in my talk because I didn't have time: When Sadie died I searched out medical journals, support groups, stories of other children born still and other grieving mothers, and read a few books about stillbirth and grief. I think the grieving process for me has been a lot of searching, processing, and bit by bit understanding and acceptance. But I didn't only search out these secular sources. I searched extensively on lds.org and in the gospel library for references to stillborn, stillbirth, baby, angels, mourning, grief, Job, trials, atonement, and anything else I could think of to find answers that would bring peace to my heart. I studied and prayed. Studied and prayed. This was a time for me of processing, grieving, searching, and praying that brought me bit by bit to a place of peace. When I talk about finding peace through prayer and scripture study and the power of the atonement, it's not just a nice idea, it literally works.)

The last way to find peace that I want to talk about is receiving priesthood blessings. My first year of college I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed. It was around November, and I just couldn’t seem to find peace or happiness in my life. I couldn’t seem to adjust. I asked a friend who held the Meclhizedek Priesthood if he and his roommate would give me a blessing. For some reason, this friend had his roommate give me the blessing. I was so glad he did. This roommate didn’t know me very well, yet he spoke the words of comfort and peace I needed to hear. More importantly, I felt Heavenly Father’s love through the blessing, and I was able to carry on and make it through that year. Every time I receive a priesthood blessing, even just to be set apart for a calling, I feel comfort, peace, and an added direction to my life. Priesthood blessings can indeed bring peace.

When other sources cease to make us whole, where can we turn? To Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, and the peace that His Atonement can bring. We can turn to Him through praying to Heavenly Father in His name, by attending the temple to learn of Him, by studying the scriptures and conference talks to listen to His words, and by asking for Priesthood blessings, which was the same power He held. In John 16:33 Jesus said, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”  Peace may not come immediately. Over the past year I have spent a lot of time searching for peace, and there are some days I still don’t have it. Some trials are never taken away, some pain never ceases, some sorrows we must learn to live with. Alma 34:41 says "But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." We can find peace to our soul in this life, but even if our trials never cease here, we are also promised that one day we will have complete and lasting peace, with no more afflictions, in the world to come.

I bear my testimony that because Jesus Christ atoned for us and died for us we can find peace in this world and eternal life in the world to come. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Healing

“You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes; you heal because of what you do with that time.” –Carol Crandall

Moments Full of You

I've read so many stories about babies dying and stillbirths and miscarriage, trying to understand and figure out this whole experience and what to do now. It helps and it doesn't. It's hard comparing my experience to those of others, because each is so so different. I've read about the signs people find of their children, visits from angels, and other such moments. I'd love to have something huge like that, but I don't expect it. However, I do have moments full of Sadie. I've learned that Heavenly Father truly does give us miracles and moments of mercy if we open our eyes, search for them, and accept them.

• The sky cleared and the sun came out as we had her little graveside service in the cemetery.

• A rainbow crossed the sky as I drove home from the Angel Gowns dress drop off.

• Ladybugs have randomly shown up, even in the middle of winter, reminding me of Sadie. I have never noticed so many ladybugs before in my life.

• A dream that still doesn't quite make sense and that would seem weird to anyone else brought me such a feeling of peace one night.

• Moments inside the temple, the holy House of the Lord, have been so very indicative of Sadie's presence and God's awareness of my missing her.

• Thoughtful gifts from family and friends have shown up at just the right times to help me to feel close to my daughter too.

The quote above is so very true. I will forever be looking and searching for my daughter, even if only in the moments God gives me that remind me of her.

What If

With a stillborn child there are few memories to look back on, and none with a smiling, living child. Instead, "what if"s come up every day. What might have been is the trigger instead of remembering moments. How old would she be now? What would her smile look like? When would she start to crawl? What would her cry sound like? What if I had been able to know all these things? I wish I did.

There is a song by Pink called "Beam Me Up" that keeps running through my head. The chorus, especially. It goes like this:

"Could you beam me up,

Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it

I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face

Beam me up,

Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,

I think a minute's enough,

Just beam me up."

Except, I don't think a minute would be enough, and I've thought up a list of what I would say if I could talk to Sadie for a while. I have a lot of questions. A lot of what ifs and whys. 

I thought I was okay without the answers, and I think I can be and I will be. Lately, though, I am not. I guess it's just another stage of this bizarre thing called grief. 

Sadie's Saying #2

This journey has already taught me so much. I am still walking though, and there is more to learn. I'm grateful that sorrow and pleasure seem to work hand in hand for me though. Pleasure gives me a break from the weight of sorrow.

Sadie's Sayings

I'll start with these.

I think this goes for any type of grief.


I never knew how true this is until Sadie died. My ocean is so unpredictable. I don't know when I will feel sad or even what triggers it half the time.


I still can't really do this. I know it, but I can't do it. And...any time I feel ready to almost reach out for help or admit I need it, I suddenly feel very strong and fine. It's true.




This one made me cry.

I have very few words when I try to describe my feelings. It feels awkward and exhausting to even try. So, the end.

Sunshine is sometimes hard to come by

I feel weird writing on this blog these days. My sunshine finder still works, but a light has gone out of me with the death of my daughter. There is nothing simple about spreading sunshine right now. I am happy, mostly, but I wouldn't call it being filled with sunshine. I see the rays of sun through the clouds, but, well, something seems off.

Nevertheless, this is where I can write. So I shall.

I have a secret Pinterest board where I like to put quotes and thoughts that help me through this time of missing my Sadie. I don't really know if anyone looks at this blog, so it seems like a somewhat safe place to put some of these secret pictures out there. I don't really want them to be secret, but I don't want to bother other people by thrusting my grief on them constantly. They know what happened, they probably know it's still hard for me, and I don't really feel like reminding constantly. Although, I think about it often. I'm not ashamed of my grief, but I still do want to bring sunshine to others' lives. I want to be happy myself. So I don't put it out there all the time. I hope that makes sense.