I want so much to be a bubbly, happy, positive person all the time. But I'm not.
Being a mom is hard. It's not really fun yet. Almost everything about it has been not what I was expecting. I felt worse than expected while pregnant. My labor was induced sooner than expected. My baby had complications. I had complications. It was just a relief to get him out safely. --And then he wasn't as safe as we had hoped and got to spend 10 days in the NICU. And I didn't get to hold him for 11 hours. That was truthfully not a very positive thing, and very hard on me. I waited in my hospital room alone while my husband gave the baby a blessing, and I cried when I heard the person next door talking to their crying baby.
Being able to stay at the hospital with baby was a huge blessing...but also really hard. I had a breakdown a week into it and cried in front of several nurses. I got pep talks from nice nurses, and felt so embarrassed that they all knew how emotional I was. It was hard to be there and see so many others come, stay two days, and get to go home with their little babies. It was a blessing to be able to be there and heal and not have to travel far to visit baby, but oh it was so hard to be in that room for 10 days.
It's hard to wake up and feed him. It's hard when he cries (even though he doesn't do it much!), and it's hard to think that I am giving up a lot of my freedom to be a mom. Did you know I was never someone who liked babysitting? I am not a girl who loved holding babies or seeing them or anything. I'm just not. So maybe it's harder for me. It's hard to see other moms posting on Facebook how much they love being moms. Hopefully I'll get there, but I don't know if I could say I love it yet.
And if I never do, and if it's always hard, and if it never becomes the joy I had hoped it would be, well, I've decided I need to do something about it. Because maybe I'm just the way I am, and maybe I just feel the way I do, but I'm a mom now and forever. And if it never naturally becomes fun, then I'd better find a way to make it so.
Because I REALLY want to love this.
So what are the positives? And what parts do I enjoy?
His smile, even if he doesn't mean to do it, is so cute. I'm excited to have him smile at me for real.
His little hands are so sweet. His eyes, nose, ears are all perfect. I can see myself and my husband in him, and that is pretty special. I love watching my husband play with him. That's something I really do love. I like it when we are all together as a family. My husband helps me laugh at things and that makes it a lot more fun. Baby makes funny faces, and it's fun to watch them with my husband. I love it when he looks up at me like he trusts me. That is something that I do love.
So, hello, this is me still not "loving" being a mom yet. Some days are truthfully very hard still. But some moments are sweeter than expected too. And if I focus on those, hopefully I'll find myself falling in love with it in no time.
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